Monday, September 07, 2015

Not a Putz!

It was said I have no "filter" - however I speak my mind and stand up for myself. Trust me - My "filter" is on! Up to about 4 or 5 years ago - I was a putz. The journey out of being a putz has been difficult - but I made it! As a putz - I subjected myself to doing what was expected, doing as I was told - by the manipulative "boyfriends" and yes - even by family members. I kept my mouth shut and rolled with everything. Inside I was torn apart by the fact that I couldn't express my opinion, that I was afraid to stand up for myself for fear of "getting in trouble". I was a shell of a person who kept the peace and didn't ruffle any feathers. And I drank - alot. And I partied - alot. I think it was 4 years ago when everything changed. I was accosted by someone I knew in a sexual manner. I used to volunteer at an annual golf tournament. On the first day back, a 60 some odd year old man that at a minimum I considered someone I knew enough to know that he was a jerk - but I would laugh at his rude and corny jokes to go along with whatever he said. Because that wwas what I was used to . That was "normal" for me. On this hot June day at the golf tournament, this man took my hand and put it on his crotch and said "Is that big enough for you".... What a pig! But I pulled my hand away and didn't say anything and walked away. I didn't know how to handle the situation. I told one of my friends about what just happened. The next thing I knew I was filing a complaint with the police and the head of the volunteer committee for the tournament spoke with me. The man was escorted off property and informed he would never be allowed to volunteer again (after 25 years of volunteering). And then I went back into therapy. Because this incident revived in my head all the horrible things I went through with my first ex-husband "aka "Satan". I started having nightmares and flashbacks. I found a fantastic therapist and still see her today. She helped me work trough alot of issues. We did EMDR treatment to pull out the bad memories and learn how to handle them. I shared my history of the narcisstic abuse I put up with from my parents, family, and ex husbands, and boyfriends. I held nothing back. The only way to change WHO you are is to face the past head on and fight to change who you are. In these past years , I have learned to fight for myself. That it isn't healthy to bottle up my emotions, opinions and feelings. That it is good to stand up for myself. And I have the right to do so! I FOUND MY VOICE! So now I speak up - I express myself and my opinions. Most people are good with that and it has helped me find the love of my life. The first month I was with Jamey we shared all the horror stories of our past. The theory was that we would learn it all one day so why not just spill it all out now. And we accept each other for who we are knowing we both have done things in the past that are regrettable, rotten, stupid and so on. And we are moving forward with our lives. With truth, honesty, and joy and love. And I have family members that don't get this. They don't see the growth in me. They don't respect how I have evolved, how I have learned to express myself. How I have learned that I will no longer tolerate being ridiculed, put down, and belittled. How the next time some jack ass tries to force their sexual advance on me I now know to slap his hand and scream. And not cower and hide. I have the power to move forward and keep these negative people behind me. So I speak up and am no longer a putz. HOORAY FOR ME!!! once again , It was said I have no "filter". Trust me when I say that my "filter" is on! I don't always reveal everything I want to say , You are welcome for that. And I am no longer a putz!


#NancyStrong I love that you used that hashtag! This was a great blog. I have seen the growth in you, and anyone who doesn't will just never get it. So glad you & Jamey have such an honest, respectful relationship. With that, you can get through anything. Having someone who you KNOW has your back, no matter what, gives you added strength to be yourself. I went througb a similar transformation during our years apart, so I say Yay, Nancy!!! :)
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